Success and Confidence- The Corporate World
After university I was fortunate to land my dream job. I landed the position of associate at one of the leading professional services firms. For me this was a dream job as from the time I took my first accounting course in high school I knew I wanted to be an accountant. So much so, that I actually told my guidance counsellor in my final year of high school that I wanted to be an accountant and work for the very company that I was eventually hired at. I had no clue what this company really was at that time but I knew from the information I had gathered that it seemed like a cool place to work.
The company was a very prestigious position to land for a first job. The company attracted many talented applicants and a small percentage of total applicants actually landed a position with the company. It was a competitive process to gain access to the company and as our cohort of new associates began the sense of competition was apparent, at least from my vantage point.
I was able to achieve some career success almost from day 1 of entering the company. It looked like I was respected by my peer group and my supervisors. I was given projects that were high profile and I received great feedback from my work. I felt wanted and it felt good to have people request for me specifically on their projects. This early stage success validated to me that I belonged and that I could potentially have a real future with the company.
There was an unwritten rule in the culture of PwC which appeared to be similar across the other accounting firms as well, work hard play hard. What this meant was that there was an expectation that you would work very hard in the accounting world, but at the same time the work culture was relatively a younger population so partying with my coworkers was commonplace. For me this was a very cool thing, as in many cases the play part was at company sponsored events where there were open bars which facilitated me being able to party without my own money, Given my humble roots having been raised by a single working mother, this made me feel like I was living an affluent lifestyle even though my actual salary was still in the middle class. The rewards of the play made working the long hours seem bearable as I began to climb the corporate ladder.
It was not uncommon for me to work a 12-15 hour workday, especially in the busy periods of a project or audit. This was well before the work from home culture as all these hours were spent in the office or at a client site and eating dinner at work on the regular. At Least for me, the harder I worked the more I seemed to get rewarded with additional more challenging work on a project or additional side projects that gave me some visibility into senior leadership early on in my career. I was rewarded for some seemingly unrealistic targets. But I didn’t care, as it felt great to feel valued by my supervisors and respected by my peers.
I was moving up the corporate ladder as fast as I could. As I received promotions on a yearly basis I was able to also start to accelerate my income level. Within 4 years I was able to double my income, and within another 4 years I had almost doubled it again. My sense of self worth was really increasing with every job title promotion and salary increase. From my humble beginnings I could not fathom how I was able to move my mother and myself up the socioeconomic ladder. I remember beaming every time I told my mother of a promotion and salary increase and seeing her excitement as I told her. This gave me more fuel to be able to tolerate and even thrive working long hours.
As my self worth increased this also translated into an overall increase to my confidence. I knew I was respected at the company and this started to get to my head. My confidence was borderline arrogance at times. I began to become very bullish in promotion and salary discussions. Most people worked hard at the company but I knew there were things that I was doing that some of the others were not such as significant work travel. I chalked it up to me exerting my right to get rewarded for what was my share of the pie, but it came across as arrogant at times.
As mentioned in the section on my university years, I was very timid in my interactions with women throughout my childhood and university years. As my confidence and self worth grew at PwC so did my confidence in my interactions with women. I can only imagine how I came across from their perspective, but from my perspective it seemed like I was able to speak much more confidently in the presence of women. It was the start of my struggle with commitment. As I gained more confidence my desire to commit to one woman decreased.
As my responsibilities increased at work, my stressors and pressures began to increase rapidly. I noticed in myself this coming out with me being rude to people and snapping on my teams on occasion. But because I was still achieving great results for my clients and making my supervisors look good I was never really reprimanded for these behaviours.
One of the main drivers behind my ability to cope with and even be motivated by the long hours was my desire to be admitted to the partnership at the company. What this meant was that I essentially would become a part owner in the business if I was successful in building my partnership case and be admitted to the partnership. This was a dream of mine and as the years went on I was getting closer and closer to my goal. This ambition allowed me to continue working the hours I was and ignore the signs my body and mind were telling me. I could feel the stress in my body but I ignored it.
One of the signs I was feeling stressed was that I needed more sleep. I could feel myself react to waking up in the morning. I would be frozen when I woke up but somehow was able to push myself out of bed at 7am and be out the door by 7:30 as I had an hour commute into the office. My job was no different than many in the sense that there was an expectation that you would be at work during normal working hours and beyond, which meant being in the office by 9am at the latest. As the years went on this became a little more flexible however I would still feel it was noticed if I came into work a bit later in the morning.
An area I struggled with from day 1 was that of maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Due to the fact I was so committed to achieving career success, I really allowed myself to heavily weight my day relating to work activities and events. My family and friends were very supportive as they knew how much achieving career success meant to men. As such, I did not feel much stress or strain in these relationships. Where I noticed the stress in my work-life balance is every time I had a romantic relationship. Inevitably there would be arguments over my work schedule and not making time for the relationship. My coping mechanism was to avoid these types of relationships for the most part since they distracted me from my career success.
As discussed in the section on my university years, I was introduced to alcohol in university and some recreational drug use with marijuana but stayed away from hard narcotics. This changed as I moved up the corporate ladder. As my income increased the temptations of the partying lifestyle were appealing to me. I remember being in Las Vegas at a bachelor party and being introduced to cocaine. Initially I was very hesitant to try the substance but I gave in to peer pressure. I must admit, I loved it. Not necessarily even for the feeling it gave me but for some of the side benefits as I quickly realized many girls loved to partake in use of the substance. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that taking this substance could have many psychological and physical impacts. It allowed me to continue to work hard and play hard even as I continued to get older. It almost suppressed my mind and body’s sensors to be able to detect when I was feeling stressed.
Crystal Ball Reflection Learning
Valuing the relationships that matter is one of the most important realizations that someone can have in their life. Looking back at the corporate part of my career I realize that I took important relationships for granted. Romantically I paid the price and I have to live with the lessons learned from those experiences. Luckily for me, my family and friends have stuck by me through thick and thin. I feel fortunate to be able to continue to have these relationships and be able to focus my energy and time on deepening them. The best analogy I heard in relationships building is to think of who you would have at your funeral and the words that you would want spoken about you and live your life in a way that cherishes those relationships and strengthen their opinions of you.
Don’t get fooled by the here and now friends. When things are going well in your life, everyone wants to be your friend. When things crumble, you realize who your real friends are. Cherish the relationships that are authentic and meaningful to you.
You are replaceable at work. I will discuss the factors that led up to me eventually being restricted out of my company in subsequent sections. However, what I can say I learned from the process of being restructured out of the company after 15 years is that everyone is replaceable. Early on in my career I convinced myself that I was a high value employee to the business. Some of that may have been true, however as the old saying goes you are only as useful to the company as the next hour you are willing to work to meet their objectives. Short of being an owner of a business, as an employee you are always at the mercy of the owners of the business and what they decide to do regarding your career progressions and whether you continue to be employed. Treat a job like a job and focus on what is important to you.
Learn to set your boundaries. If an employer or anyone else in your life sets unrealistic expectations of you, be courageous enough to say no. The art of saying no is a gift that I think many of us either take for granted or admire others who are able to do so. Whether you are used to setting your boundaries or learning to do it, it is never easy. The ability to do this though will allow you to manage your stress and focus on your own self care.
The concept of work hard and play hard is a dangerous one. For those of us who have a fear of missing out, this can really lead to some bad and toxic behaviours. The older I get, the more I realize that rest is one of the most important factors I need to manage my health. This is something my mother always told me, but I lost my way from university onwards and sacrificed rest to be able to work hard and play hard. If I could go back I would have established a better routine around consistent rest.
Seek professional medical advice when your mind and body are shutting down on you. I was someone who avoided doctors at all costs. My mother was also averse to going to the doctor unless it was an emergency and I adopted her approach. In hindsight I realize that having check-ins with your family doctor are beneficial as they may be able to identify red flags that need to be explored further.
Any level of success isn’t success if you are not well. In hindsight, the highs I received from feeling good about my career success were far outweighed by the damage I was doing to my mental health. At the time I did not really recognize any of the signs that something was wrong but they were there. If I only paid closer attention to it perhaps I could have identified some of the changes I needed earlier. Similar to seeking professional medical advice, identifying the signs of being unwell can go a long way in detecting and hopefully preventing some of your mental health challenges.
Be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations with your employer. Now I know this is not easy as putting food on the table for yourself and your family can make you fearful of having a difficult conversation with your employer. I am a firm believer that psychological safety in the workplace starts with myself. Yes it is the employers obligation to foster a safe environment to work. I believe it is also my responsibility to voice concerns I have over my workload and working environment. Change starts with each and everyone of us. Having those difficult conversations can help improve working conditions for ourselves and others.
