Toxic Masculinity: Misconceptions Gone Awry
As I reflect on my childhood, I am reminded of the profound influence my mother had on my life. She was—and remains—my hero. Today, I proudly champion equality and nurture healthy relationships with the women in my life. However, this was not always the case.
From a young age, I absorbed the belief that men and women had strictly defined roles within a family. This rigid perspective extended into my view of women’s roles in society, particularly in the workplace. It wasn't necessarily a direct lesson from my parents but rather a cultural norm that permeated my surroundings. Many men in my circles shared similar views, which I unconsciously adopted. I found myself grappling with the idea that a woman's ability to excel in her career conflicted with the traditional expectations of managing household responsibilities. Honestly, I still wrestle with this concept at times, though I've come a long way from my earlier beliefs.
What I failed to recognize at the time was the detrimental effect my views on women had on my mental health. I often felt resentment toward female colleagues, displayed toxic behaviors in my romantic relationships, and harbored negative stereotypes about women. These attitudes took a toll on my mental well-being, but back then, I was blind to the connection.
In retrospect, I realize I lacked a trusted confidant to discuss these struggles. Seeking therapy could have been invaluable, yet in the late 1990s and early 2000s, few people in my life openly talked about their experiences with therapy. I only engaged with those who shared my limited views, mistakenly believing that having a support group would alleviate my frustrations. In reality, it only fueled my ignorance and entrenched my toxic behaviors.
We often consider the impact of toxic masculinity on those around us, and while this is valid, the truth is that many of the women I interacted with likely had no idea of my internal struggles. Friends or acquaintances reading this would probably be shocked by the thoughts I've shared. I'm writing this to shed light on how toxic masculinity profoundly affects the individual, creating lasting mental health challenges.
The biases I developed over time shaped how I navigated my life. I sought out male bosses and gravitated toward romantic partners who fit my preconceived notions of femininity. These choices stemmed from a conscious mindset that I had never truly examined. I feared the judgment of others and lacked the courage to engage in vulnerable conversations about my biases. The silence surrounding these issues led to a spiraling effect on my mental health.
A significant shift in my perspective began when I started coaching and developing young female talent in my corporate job. I genuinely believe that these talented women saved me from myself. They taught me the immense value of championing women in the workplace. As I embraced this new outlook, I could feel a transformation within me. It wasn’t just a change in thought; it positively impacted my mental health. I began to understand that everyone has the right to define their identity without labels or stereotypes.
While I’m not perfect, I now possess a much clearer understanding of my masculinity. It has been an ongoing evolution, and I strive for continuous growth. My journey has taught me that seeking your own truth is essential for mental health.
Crystal Ball Reflection
Be aware of the biases that may influence your beliefs. Rather than ignoring them or confining your conversations to those who share your views, engage in dialogue with others—such as a therapist or trusted friend—who can offer new perspectives. Forming connections with individuals who interact with you free from judgment can be challenging, especially for men, as societal norms often discourage vulnerability.
Recognize that biases can exist both consciously and unconsciously. Exploring your belief system can help deconstruct these biases and lead you to a better understanding of your masculinity. Find individuals you can trust with sensitive information, as sharing with judgmental people can hinder your journey toward understanding.
Authenticity in your conversations will build trust and foster exploration of how your beliefs and biases impact your mental health. If you lack a support network, consider seeking a therapist who aligns with your needs. Not every therapist will be equipped to guide you in understanding masculinity in a way that resonates, so it's important to find one that feels right for you. This journey is personal, and you should progress at your own pace.
As I mentioned, my mom is my hero. The point I want to emphasize is that biases are not linear. You may have strong relationships with women yet still struggle with biases that affect your mental health and interactions. Approach this complex topic with curiosity and openness. Toxic masculinity has become an important conversation in recent years, but don’t let the labeling distract you from the real goal: exploring these issues for yourself, your loved ones, and your mental health. Be bold in your exploration; you've got this!
In my journey, I found inspiration in Justin Baldoni’s book Undefining Masculinity. The concept resonated with me, affirming that it’s okay for men to explore what masculinity means personally and that we need not conform to societal expectations. Embrace bravery in your approach and seek the beliefs and values that resonate with you and your family.
Lastly, I encourage you to engage with a diverse range of voices. I’ve traditionally viewed gender in binary terms, and I must admit my knowledge of LGBTQ+ issues is limited. This is an area I aim to explore and challenge my beliefs on. Growth is an ongoing process, and while I’m far from perfect, I believe everyone deserves love and respect, regardless of their identity.
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Shak is pursuing his Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology (MACP) and will start his practicum in January. He's involved with the Canadian Mental Health Association and he's working on turning his blog, Bipolar Empath, into a book while managing his accounting business.
Stay tuned for more updates on Shak’s journey and the impact he continues to make in the mental health community!
