Introduction to the World: University Years
As a child I was relatively reserved and quiet. Amongst my friend circles I came out of my shell but to most observers they would say that I was a quiet child. The time had come for me to go to university. To my mother it was a big moment for our family as she had not gone on to a post high school education and for me it was the crowning achievement of doing well in high school and bearing the fruits of my labour.
One of my decision points was whether I would stay in Toronto at a local university and live at home or whether I would select a university that was out of town and live on campus. As an only child of a single mother, the decision to leave Toronto and live on campus was going to be difficult for both my mother and myself. I did take this leap, and decided to attend Wilfrid Laurier University in the city of Waterloo which was an hour away from Toronto. This decision both excited me and scared me at the same time as the longest I had been away from home prior to this was three days for camping trips with my scouting group.
Up to the summer prior to leaving from university, I had been a reserved child. Never had I tried any recreational drugs, cigarettes, alcohol or any other forms of drugs. I had heard all the stories of how the first year of university can be “crazy” with parties, alcohol,drugs, girls and every other vice known to man. I was a little scared given I had never done any of these things and was frightened as to whether I would properly fit in with university culture. The summer came prior to university and I knew I had to try some of the vices I was likely to undertake once I got to university. So on one summer’s night I finally did it, I tried alcohol and went to my first gentlemen’s club (otherwise known as a strip club). Both these things were foreign to me and I must admit I took one sip of my first beer and quietly threw the remainder down the drain when the others were not looking. My experience at the strip club was awkward, I had never had the courage to speak to girls that I was attracted to before but here they seemed to be walking up to me. Little did I know this was because they saw dollar signs when looking at me. So it was done, I finally had done things that I had resisted temptation from before. I was finally ready for the university experience.
I stayed in an all male residence in my first year of university. Initially I was weary of the dorm lifestyle, as with twenty guys on a floor it could be quite hectic and the rooms and common facilities could get dirty relatively fast. However I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to adapt to the dorm seamlessly and made quick friends with most of my floor mates. This also led to me being rapidly introduced to the party lifestyle that I had heard so much about prior to entering university. The first week of university for most students is an orientation week which in reality is a light week with no school work and a whole bunch of partying. I was hooked from day one as to the excitement that this could bring. I remember as the first week of classes started that I was excited to see how university would compare to high school and how much more challenging it would be. There were two things that I found for myself, one was that my high school was a good academic high school so my baseline entering university had prepared me well and two being that university was a lot more self directed than high school, thus I had to motivate myself to get through the course content and continue to do well in school.
The second day of my first year of university, the events of September 11th, 2001 occurred which forever shaped our world and in turn shaped my university experience. For one, I stopped going to my lectures, I was glued to the television with the endless news coverage on the events. During my first year I think I went to a total of twenty percent of my lectures. Yet somehow I was still able to do well in school and carry on with the partying that consumed my nights from Wednesday through Saturday. My ability to party hard and still do well in school did not raise any alarm bells at the time. Why would it? I mean this was what university was supposed to be about with the social experience coupled with the academic one. In order to make this lifestyle work, I would often cram for exams and do my assignments last minute since I did not keep up with my school work until a graded assignment or exam was approaching. I remember the countless all nighters and thinking that this was a strength of mine to be able to do this and then turn around and party.
One thing I learned about myself throughout my university experience is that I was able to operate on a very high and intense level for long periods of time, sometimes weeks. I chalked this up to a strength of mine not to feel fatigued while others would require rest/ A good friend of mine later put it that I was just wired differently than most. Although I did notice that after periods of excessive partying or cramming for school work that I would ultimately crash and require long periods of rest. Sometimes, staying in bed for fifteen hours at a time.
My interaction with women during my university years was an evolution. I was still the shy awkward young man in my early years that did not have the courage to pursue women I was interested in or have close friendships with women. As the years moved on though through my third and fourth years, I was able to gain confidence in this area and was much comfortable in my interaction with women. Even leading to my first girlfriend in the last semester of my university experience. This was the beginning of a new horizon for me as will be discussed later.
Crystal Ball Reflection
One of the areas that I know now that I wish I knew then was that it is okay to be anxious about fitting in with my university peers. I now know that I had feelings of being overwhelmed adapting to university life and I did not explore what an individual expression of this meant to me. In other words I adapted to the crowd to ensure I fit in and made new friends.
I believe that the feelings of excitement and of being scared entering university and leaving home were rooted in feelings of anxiety. Back then I was not an overly expressive person. I never really told my mother or close friends how I was feeling. I assumed this was normal and that I needed to suck it up and be excited that I was about to explore new things. I think that it is okay if not encouraged now for people to discuss these feelings although I am sure there may be some that still bottle it in.
Learning to take things in moderation is another concept I wish I had known back then. I partied hard in university like many of my peers. The early stages of excessive drinking were present in my university experience and although I did not do many other drugs I did start to explore marijuana use. I wish I had perhaps educated myself on the substances I was using to better understand what some of the drawbacks of their use were. I am not sure this would have stopped me much but atleast I would have understood what the use of substances could do to my mind and body. Many years later I now know that alcohol and marijuana use can be used as a coping mechanism to deal with mental health and other stressors like studying for assignments and exams. Be cautious with the use of substances.
I believe that being able to identify my ability to operate on an extreme level would have been challenging back then even knowing what I do today about myself. I mean it is commonplace amongst university students to socialize with one another and expect to be able to still perform well in school. That being said, I believe the periods where I needed extra rest by sleeping in until the afternoon could have been viewed as a sign that I should focus on why this was. This may have helped me identify the irregularities in my sleep and diet that needed to be rectified to feel my best. Not sure there is a magic answer here, but I have observed many young people today being more conscious about their health which is a great thing.
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Shak is pursuing his Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology (MACP) and will start his practicum in January. He's involved with the Canadian Mental Health Association and he's working on turning his blog, Bipolar Empath, into a book while managing his accounting business.
Stay tuned for more updates on Shak’s journey and the impact he continues to make in the mental health community!
