Toxic Masculinity-Misconceptions Gone Awry
As I noted in the discussion surrounding my childhood and my relationship with my mother, she was and continues to be my hero. Today, I consider myself someone that champions equality and someone that has a healthy relationship with most women in my life. However, this was not always the case.
From a very early age, I was taught that men and women had very specific roles in a family. I in turn translated this into my interpretation of what women’s role in society at large was including the workplace. Now I cannot say I was necessarily directly taught this but I would say that culturally it was common for many men in my circles to think similar thoughts. I struggled with understanding how strength in a woman’s ability to be a top performer at work translated in their ability to also manage the traditional definition I had for household responsibilities. Truth be told, I still struggle with this concept somewhat but feel I have come a long way from what I had previously believed.
What I did not fully appreciate at the time was the impact my viewpoints on women were having on my mental health. The resentment I held for female coworkers, toxic behaviours I had in my romantic connections, and stereotypes I had towards women in general wreaked havoc on my mental health. I know this now but I did not know this back then.
The reality of the situation was that I had no trusted relationship in my life that I could explore my struggles with and in hindsight I probably should have sought therapy. But in the late 1990s and early 2000s there were not many people I knew of, at least ones that disclosed it, that had taken therapy. The only people I spoke to on the topic were other people that shared the same views as me. At the time I thought this was helpful to have a support group to express my frustrations, but in reality it just fueled my stupidity and deepened my toxic behaviours.
Now we often think of toxic masculinity in the sense of the impact it has on the people around us. While this is true, in reality the majority of women I interacted with likely had no clue that I struggled with this. In fact, anyone reading this that knows me would probably be shocked to read the thoughts I have expressed thus far. I am writing this chapter specifically to express that the concept of toxic masculinity is one that has a profound impact on the individual themselves and can have lasting mental health impacts. This is the part of it that I want to explore further in this chapter.
The bias that I had developed over time influenced how I managed my life. From seeking out male bosses to selecting romantic connections that acted the way my bias thought they should, it was all within my conscious mind. I had not really explored what this all meant and why I had such rigid perspectives on a woman’s role. I was scared of what people would think of me and I did not have the guts to be vulnerable enough to have this open dialogue. Tackling this in silence had impacts on my mental health that had an exponential negative impact.
I would say my mindset began to shift when I began to coach and develop young female talent in my corporate job. I sincerely believe that these talented women saved me from myself and taught me the value of championing women in the workplace. This shift started to change things in me. I could feel it. In turn, I could also see improvements in my mental health quality as I embraced the concept that everyone has the right to be who they want to be. No labels and no stereo types of what any man or woman feels.
I am not perfect with everything, but I do believe I have a better sense of my masculinity today than ever before. It is an evolution and I strive for continuous growth. If for nothing else, seek your own truth for your mental health.
Crystal Ball Reflection Learning
Be aware of potential bias that you have. Rather than ignoring these biases or only speaking with individuals that share these same biases, explore them with others such as a therapist, or other trusted individual. Seek out connections with individuals that would interact with you free from judgement as this can be a scary topic to explore and vulnerability can be difficult, especially for men. This in itself is a bias and stereotype that men do not like to show vulnerability, but in my experience it is difficult for many of us as we think it shows weakness.
Biases can come in both the conscious and unconscious forms. An exploration of one’s belief system can help break down how many of these biases have come about and help you begin the process of understanding your own masculinity. Similar to the above discussion, find individuals that you can trust with information you will be disclosing to them. THe reality is if you speak to people that will judge you for your beliefs, this could do more harm than good in trying to understand it.
Authenticity in your conversations will help to build trust and begin the process of exploring how your beliefs and biases are impacting your mental health. If you do not have people in your life you can completely trust with this information, find a therapist that works for you. Not all therapists may be able to explore your masculinity in a way that works for you. Know that this is a personal journey and you should be able to move at your own pace.
As I mentioned above my mom is my hero. The point I wanted to highlight here is that bias is not a linear thing. There could be many relationships in your life that are strong with women but there could still be bias that hinders your ability to fully manage your mental health and interaction with others. Be curious and be open to the exploration of this complicated topic. In recent years the topic of toxic masculinity has been an important one. But do not allow the labelling of this to distract you from the goal of exploring it for yourself, those you love and for your own mental health. Be bold in your exploration, you got this!
I read a book by Justin Baldoni called Undefining Masculinity. What I liked about the concept about undefining it is that as a man it is okay to explore what your masculinity means to you and you do not have to succumb to what others think it should be. Be brave in your approach and find the beliefs and values that work for you and your family.
Finally, I would encourage you to speak to as diverse a population as possible. For example, I have traditionally thought of men and women in the binary form. I must admit I am not well versed in the LGBTQ+ issues faced, and it is an area that I hope to be able to challenge my own beliefs and biases on when it comes to these populations. Growth is a continuous process and I am far from perfect. My belief in life is that everyone deserves to be loved and treated with respect regardless of what their makeup is.
