Childhood: How the early years can impact your mental health
When I lost my mother in 2020, I reflected often on the times we had together.
My mother was an incredible mother who instilled amazing values in me that I will carry forward for the rest of my life. She taught me the value of hard work, trust, honesty and authenticity. She was a single mother that took her life in her own hands and had tremendous faith in God (Allah) to guide her in her darkest moments.
She was and continues to be my hero. There will never be anyone like her in my life. When she passed in 2020 I lost the biggest piece of me and my biggest cheerleader. I will take all the lessons that I learned from her with me for the rest of my life and I will continue to live a values based life because of it.
My mother was the life of any party and when I was around her I would be quiet to the outside world. Truth is at home when it was just my mom and I, my true personality would come out and I would be the life of our party. I loved hearing her stories and the way she would light up any room she walked into. I always marvelled at her ability to be knowledgeable on a variety of topics even though she did not necessarily have the highest levels of education (she had some college equivalent courses).
Generally speaking, I was a very respectful and quiet kid that stayed away from trouble. This wasn’t entirely by coincidence. My mom was strict and always said that as a single mom she had to act as both my mother and my father. She would not let me go out too long after school hours, ensured my sleep schedule was consistent )something I took for granted at the time but later in life I realized how important good and consistent sleep was) and ensured I got good grades in school. She was relentless in ensuring all these aspects were maintained and kept me out of trouble. This was especially key as I grew up in Rexdale, a community in Toronto that is diverse but also known to be a bit rough around the edges.
With the drive and ambition my mom instilled in me, I tended to overachieve at school. I would come home with an A- thinking my mom would be very pleased with me only to hear her say why was it not an A+. in some respects I knew she was right that I could have tried harder but on the flip side I also needed to have a life outside of school. This is not uncommon in South Asian families where school is a high priority and higher education is a must. This really was the birthplace of my overachievement and led to many of my successes in my twenties and early thirties. It also helped contribute to many of the stressors in my life that at the time I shrugged off and “pushed through” only to realize later on when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder that overachievement can contribute to poor mental health.
My mom was a powerful and strong woman, a true role model for any single mother or any other woman for that matter. She truly was someone that didn't take any crap from anybody and she truly lived life according to her own terms. Her and my father divorced when I was a baby and I did not have a relationship with my father. She ensured that she acted as both my mother and my father and was truly Superwoman to me. She was also raised by a single mother with her sister and my last name is actually two female generations passed down. My family has a history of incredibly strong women that I've looked up to my entire life.
For all the great values and lessons I learned from my mother there were also traditional aspects of the male-female relationship that she taught me. One thing my mom always said to me was make sure that you earn enough to provide for your family where your wife never has to work a day in her life. At the time I took this at face value as many family dynamics from what I could tell had the man earning more than the woman who was taking care of things at home with the children. The reality is this lesson that my mom taught me was one that was rooted in traditional beliefs and one that was rapidly evolving in modern day society. I took this belief with me through my twenties and early thirties. It shaped many of the beliefs that I had surrounding the male-female dynamic in both a workplace environment as well as my personal relationships.
Although on the surface I was very pleasant and always had a positive vibe to me, deep down I had a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my perspectives on women. In many ways this is ironic given my mom was my hero but my perspectives were that as a man I should make it rain and that eventually I would find a wife that would be the quarterback of my household. A lot of my relationships suffered as a result with me being unwilling to be truly bold, noble and accepting that there might be an alternative to this viewpoint. We will explore further the concept of toxic masculinity in a future article.
Crystal Ball Reflection Learning
Reflecting on my childhood, one thing that jumps out at me is that I always took what my mom said at face value and never really displayed the curiosity of a child trying to learn and understand their parents viewpoints. I think like many children I was taught to always listen to my mom and elders and to show respect. In many ways respect was defined as not challenging their viewpoints when something did not feel right or should be explored further through healthy debate. Debating a parent? I know the concept seems weird but it is something I wish I had done more to have challenged my mom on a few things. She was amazing but there were a few head scratchers in terms of some of the things she was teaching me.
Another reflection I had was the role not having a formal father figure in my life had on me. Growing up I never felt like I was missing out on anything, my mom truly was super woman and provided me with more support than a lot of situations in which two parents exist. However, some of the anger I had towards my father for what I felt was abandonment of my mom and me really did sit below the surface and impact me on a deeper level. From what I learned about myself, harbouring resentment towards my father really did trigger emotional and release of toxins within my body that were detrimental to my own mental health. Learning to face this trauma head on was difficult to do.
The birthplace of my overachievement has often served me well in achieving many of the successes I have had in my life. However, it has also led to many of my stressors that I buried or avoided dealing with as they came up. Overachieving can be a good thing but be cognisant that there can be a cost to such ambition. Know yourself and what you need to do to ensure your overachieving traits are used positively and that you can manage your stress appropriately.
Finally, as I reflected on my childhood I realized that many of the lessons I learned from my mom became a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. Many in great ways such as my relentlessness to achieve and provide for my family in a way that beat the odds of a kid growing up in the “ghetto”. Others in ways that led to many of my toxic viewpoints such as my viewpoints on women that were hard for me to break. Truth be told if I didn’t have the mental breakdown that I did I probably would still harbour many of those viewpoints today. Use your experiences to bring out the best in you and ensure your self-fulfilling prophecy is one where you feel truly fulfilled with feelings of joy rather than feelings of resentment.
